While I don’t normally write about sports here, I thought should post some sort of reaction to the news yesterday that Rick Ankiel of the Cardinals had taken human growth hormones. When I saw the headline yesterday morning, I was still thinking about his amazing two home run, seven RBI performance against the Pirates Thursday afternoon. I didn’t even read the story; instead I closed my browser and took my dog outside for a walk. When I came back I looked at the computer again, hoping somehow it wouldn’t still be there, which of course it was.

That reaction was probably replicated over a large part of the Midwest yesterday, as Cardinal fans found out that their newest superhero had received shipments of HGH in 2004, while he was recovering from elbow surgery. It was a familiar feeling; I used that same kind of wishful thinking about Mark McGwire and his alleged steroid use, until his shameful performance in front of Congress two years ago caused me to write him off completely.

Unlike McGwire though, whose mealy-mouthed denials and disappearance from the public sphere since his retirement have all but confirmed his complicity in the Juiced Era, Ankiel could have nipped this scandal in the bud yesterday with a swift acknowledgment, explanation, and apology. “Yes, I did take HGH in 2004,” he could have said. “I was at the end of my rope. I just had two elbow surgeries, I was willing to try anything to get my career back. I knew it was wrong, I’m sorry I did it, and I haven’t done it again” (assuming as I am, wishfully again, that this is all true). Given Ankiel’s history, one would have to have a cold heart not to forgive a desperate man for his desperate actions. But yesterday’s press conference with Cardinals’ GM Walt Jocketty did nothing of the sort, with both men instead offering their own McGwire-esque non-denials and mutterings about doctor patient privileges.

Steroid abuse in baseball doesn’t upset me because I have a romantic notion of the integrity of the game, or some nostalgic attachment to records and numbers. What upsets me is that no one is willing to take responsibility and admit their culpability in allowing it to stain an entire era of the sport and discredit the accomplishments of players for almost two decades now. No one is willing to take real action to fix it; not Bud Selig, not the owners and managers who look the other way, not the fans who enable it by demanding more homers and more 100 mph fastballs, and least of all bit players like Rick Ankiel who could have perfectly reasonable–while not excusable–reasons for doing what they did. What’s more frustrating is that none of us has the emotional capacity to turn away from the game, close our wallets, and force the kind of action that would really make a difference.

Because I’m a Cardinals fan, I’m willing to give Ankiel the benefit of the doubt. As long as he’s not doing anything illegal now, I can forgive him for what he did in the past when he was a much different player. If the Cardinals claw their way back from the dead to reach the playoffs, largely on the strength of his hitting, I’ll cheer every swing he takes like none of this business ever happened. And maybe that’s what bothers me most of all: steroids make me feel dirty too.